How do you get back up when you feel like you are down for the count.....

04/02/2012

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So, my sister talked a little bit about some hard times in our family over the past few months.  Suffice it to say that I have felt like a wounded lion who had no idea how to get back up.  There were bad days and less bad days.  And, to be honest, most days are still not great. 

Seems like it was one thing after another, and I had a lot of worry and not a lot of hope.  I kept trying to pick myself up, but I couldn't.  I had felt so much hope in previous months, so much momentum, that when the hard times hit, I felt like a wounded lion, completely felled.  So, how do you get back up when you feel like for sure this time you are down for the count?

The truth - you don't do it, at least not by yourself.  You need someone to help you and some faith.  That is the one true lesson of my life.  For years I thought I could do everything alone.  I learned how to protect myself and take care of myself while never asking for help.  No matter what happened to me, I didn't reach out.  Never.  I would help anyone who asked for my help (and most times they didn't have to ask, I offered), but I couldn't ask for a single thing from anyone.  

Slowly, but surely I have learned that we need community, we need friends, we need people around us and we need to be able to accept help.  And, we also need to be able to let go of our pride and our fear to let that hope and faith in - whatever form it takes.

For me, I have found a friend who taught me how to laugh again.  Somehow with my friend everything is funny.  She didn't have an easy winter either, but together, we found ways to smile.  Even when I didn't want it, she reached out to me and refused to take no for an answer.  She reminded me of the beauty of faith and hope.  Sadly, she is moving soon, but I even think this is a person I could actually talk to on the phone (I'm somewhat notorious for not liking the phone).  Regardless, I know she will be out there and that when I need it, she will make me laugh.

I'm so thankful that I'm finally learning my lesson, and I'm thankful for my friends and family.  I think maybe soon, with a little bit of help from my friends and family, I'm going to be able to get up and start trying to pursue that dream of freeing sisyphus and finding my purpose.

As always, comments or emails are welcome:  freeingsisyphus@wholepointswhole.com.    


 
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A Failure of Leadership

11/12/2011

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For many of my last few posts, I have been focusing on the power of positivity amongst other things, but I have not felt very positive this week.  I've waffled between anger, sadness and grace.  When I first read about the Paterno scandal as is my nature, I had to know the real facts.  So, despite piles of work and schoolwork to do I read the 20+ page inidictment and went home and wanted to puke.  I was so angry.  How could all of these people have been part of this culture of complicity? 

It is not my place to judge, but I have to say that over the past few days I have come to appreciate being a child of parents who by their example taught me to not only question authority, but to always look out for the disenfranchised, to protect the innocent.  My parents were children of the 60s.  With that came the good and the bad.  They were not perfect, but they taught me right from wrong and to stand up for what I believed.  And, when the not-so-good part of being a child of the 60s broke apart their marriage, I saw first hand the fragility of humanity, how weak we all are and how selfish we can be.  So, I really began to question authority.  In my life I can say without a doubt that I never idolized any human, or institution, and that most of my mentors were anti-mentors - people who taught me how not to be. 

In 2002, I was 29 years old - nearly the same age as the graduate assistant who witnessed the sexual assault of a young boy and instead of calling the police, or attempting to stop the assualt, he called his father and then later told the head coach of the football team.  It is easy for me to say what I would have done - I would have pulled that man -twice my size - off that kid.  No job, no fear for my own preservation would have stopped me.  I can say this because I have unfortunately been in a similar situation before.  However, that doesn't give me the right to judge that graduate assistant.  I can only thank God he testified truthfully to the grand jury, knowing that he might lose his job.

In fact I have no right to judge anyone in this situation, but I do have the right to call to question what I see as a true failure of leadership in this country and across the world.  Yes, we are all human, yes we all make mistakes, but what is it going to take for people to stand up for what they believe, to have the courage of their convictions.  Do people even have convictions anymore?  Or, are we so blinded by the "success" engine that seems to fuel our everyday lives.  Did this graduate assistant fear his own job so much and success path at Penn State that he didn't followup to see what happened?    

The great recession was caused by our own greed and belief that we deserved bigger houses, better vacations, more things and the folks who convinced us that we did deserve them so that they could get bigger houses, better things.  We felt we deserved this because this is what we think success looks like, what life looks like.   But, let's be clear, this is also about the abuse of power and about people who prey on the weak.  What drove McQueary's silence and what drove the silence of the janitors who also witnessed sexual assaults are two very different things and they illustrate a fracture in our society between those who have and those who have not.   



All I can say, is God help us.  When are our leaders in Washington going to stop hiding behind rhetoric and start helping to solve problems?  When is the government going to figure out what to do about the housing crisis?  What does it take to make people do the right thing.  Exposure?  Is that our only tool?  If no one had ever come forward how long would the engine of Penn State continued to rest on its laurels as a success story of academic integrity and football prowess?



I don't think exposure is our only tool.  We have to have the courage to examine ourselves, to understand what is important and what isn't - we have to have the courage to be leaders.  Once we have done this, we will be able to stand up and demand that the right things for this country, for this situation at Penn State, are done.  We are not powerless.  We have a voice.  It's time to stop demonizing others, blaming others and become leaders.  We can take to the streets like they did in the 60s, we can use blogs to share our opinion, we can write letters to our government leaders, we can vote.  But I believe the most important thing we have to do is re-evaluate who we are, the things we live for, what life means to us, what we want life to be, what we want humanity to be.  We have to reimagine our current reality and then we have to have the courage to do something about it.


I pray for the souls of all involved in this situation that they discover the true grace of God, that everyone finds healing.  But, most of all, I pray that people stop idolizing things and institutions and that people start to realize their own power, their purpose, that this life isn't about a race to the top of the hill.  None of us are perfect and we struggle each day with our own weaknesses.  But, we need to relentlessly continue to ask ourselves the hard question - what happens once you make it to the top of the hill?  As Sisyphus knows, if you are prideful and worship power, all that's left is to go back down and start all over again.  Is that the life you want to lead?  Is that what we want our example, our legacy to be?


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The Great Paradox: Have you Ever Felt the Worst When You Should Feel the Best?

10/29/2011

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Ok, First I should say that the picture above is by a company called Paradox and doesn't really illustrate my point, but now that I think about it, maybe it does.....

Things are going so well for me right now.  I have an awesome new job, I'm making new friends, I started a running meetup group that has gotten great response, I'm going to a retreat today with like-minded folks, my runs have been going well this week and yet yesterday I felt downright depressed.  Hormones (sorry gents)?  I would say probably if I haven't witnessed this phenomena in me and in some people close to me before.

What is it about me, about them, that when things are going so well, that's when we feel blue.  Is it because we are afraid that something might go wrong, that all the good things around us will start to turn into wormy apples, or that the smiling new friend will turn into an evil ghoul (going with the Halloween theme, sorry)?  Is it that we feel we don't deserve all the good things that are happening? 

Today, I have more questions than answers.  I truly don't know why this happens to me.  I have some suspicions it has something to do with things that happened earlier in my life (what doesn't?).  My early childhood was idyllic and then all of that was shattered by the time I was 6 or 7.  But, the pieces are coming back together for the first time in my life.  Is this just a legacy that I can change?  Can I turn the flashlight on the darkness that I sometmes feel stalking at my heels?

I believe I can.  The old me of a year ago would have done something self-destructive yesterday to somehow sabotage the good stuff coming my way.  Instead I came home and went to bed early and now I'm writing my post and will soon go to my retreat.

Maybe the picture above does illustrate this paradox....How can we live in a world filled with such wonder and mystery and yet still seek out the negativity instead of accepting the very miracle of our own lives?  Pain is real, bad stuff does happen, but we do have a choice about the way we perceive and live our lives....I guess it's time to turn on the flashlight.

Comments/questions/thoughts - freeingsisyphus@allpointswhole.com
 

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Asking the Hard Questions

10/22/2011

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I know the past few weeks I've been on a real positve kick, and I firmly support the positivity principle and have seen so many wonderful things happen in my life recently.  But (there's always a but), it's been a tough week.  I'm not sure exactly why - if it's that I go to work in the dark and drive home in the dark; if it's saying goodbye to my old team.  Or, if now that I'm finally done criss crossing the country every week, I'm settling down and realizing that starting over takes work and it means asking myself some hard questions.

For instance, I have spent the past five years consumed with work and avoiding real personal connections with people outside of work.  And, I want that to change, but wanting something and changing it are two different things.  Recently I hung out with an acquaintance and shared some of the hard questions I was asking myself - why it is so hard for me to relate to other people, what I really want in the close relationships in life, what my Eiffel Tower is.  The last reference is homage to a friend of mine who grew up in some pretty wretched circumstances.  After his father died (a fireman), he would often stay in a firehouse because he couldn't go home to his alcholic mother.  After years of hard work, he made his way up in a Fortune 500 company.  We went to Paris together, and he desperately wanted to go to the Eiffel Tower.  I have to be honest I couldn't have cared less about the Eiffel Tower.  I wanted to sit in a cafe and listen to street musicians and people watch.  But, of course I wanted to go for him.  And as we neared the top (after climbing about 700 steps -we had gotten in the wrong line), I could see the joy in his face.  Afterwards when we were talking about the trip, there were tears in his eyes because he couldn't believe someone like him who in his mind came from nothing had made it to the Eiffel Tower. 

I asked this acquaintance these questions the other night, and pretty soon this person got really sick of me - they hit the wall.  It was too much.  I admit I have been asking myself hard questions ever since I can remember.  I recall a boyfriend saying to me when I was 16 that I was way too serious.  I am very serious I guess in that I take living life seriously, but I don't really take myself seriously.  I laugh all the time at myself - I mean doubled over laughing - and I try to find the humor in everything.  But, I think the serious questions are important.  We only get one shot at this life, right?   

My Eiffel Tower is the moon.  Seriously, I want to go to the moon.  This week Richard Branson opened a spaceport in New Mexico which hopes to send a maiden voyage to the moon next year.

Sometimes I feel like a freak because I do ask myself the hard questions often and I feel a little alone in that.  I often feel like people don't want to ask the hard questions, they don't want their lives to change  - not even change for the better.  And, I often feel badly when I see the uncomfortableness  for asking other people the tough questions.  But, maybe people do ask themselves the hard questions and they just don't want to tell me about it.  Who knows.

But, my question for you this week, Sisyphers, is what is your Eiffel Tower?  As always, please feel free to comment by clicking the link on the right or sending me an email at freeingsisyphus@allpointswhole.com.  
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Believe

10/16/2011

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For the past few weeks on Freeing Sisyphus, I've been focused on a theme of being positive, of seeing doorways of opportunity instead of focusing on the what ifs of anxiety and fear that dominate so much of our life.

Yesterday as I was unpacking (finally) in my new apartment, I found a book someone had given me as a going away present.  And, I decided I wanted to display the cover, this one word, that said simply believe.

For a brief moment I paused - wouldn't that look a little cheezy?  And, then I thought this is who I am now.  Which in turn made me think about a time when I wouldn't have even had to ask myself that question.  When I was younger, I was a fighter, a positive person who believed in myself, believed I would make it despite some very bad odds.  I guess it was sometime during college that it became uncool to be positive, to believe in anything.  I think I was reading too much philosophy and it seemed to be more cool (to me) to be cynical.  I was never one to follow the crowd blindly, but I found myself more aligned with the counterculture because I didn't fit in with the people who had cookie cutter lives (of course now I know no one has such a thing).  Everyone around me for the most part wanted to tear things down instead of build them up.....but I always knew this really wasn't me.

I've been thinking a lot these days about positive thinking, about believing.  And, I have to tell you that I see my life and the lives of others around me changing because of some very simple shifts in the way I approach life.  With all the uncertainty, the joblessness that abounds, the bad economic news that bombards us daily, I've decided to acknowledge and ignore it.  I've decided to make choices based on what I believe can be, not based on the shackles that I sometimes imagine holding me down. 

Since making that decision, I have had some good news at work professionally because I took a chance, I have watched a friend who I have been supporting and listening to navigate a very difficult decision to end a 33 year marriage with a triumph of spirt and will that I find amazing, I have seen others in my life who were in fear of making an income start to make real progress in a career they enjoy, I have seen someone very close to me decide to retire early to become a minister and forego a certain amount of income.  I have seen people believe that they don't have to accept the negativity and fear, believe things can happen and then act to make their situation different.

These people inspire me.  Although we may have to put our shoulders to the boulder tomorrow as we start a new week at work, what if as we start to roll that sucker up the hill we start to think about what could be and make some plans to do something a little bit differently this week.  For example if you are unhappy at your job, what if you decide to wake up just a little earlier tomorrow to start working on that resume, or to begin a list of goals that might help you to act to let go of the fear and anxiety.  The first step is just to believe that things can be better.

As always, please share your comments, by clicking on the comment link to the top right, or email at freeingsisyphus@allpointswhole.com.  Good luck this week navigating the pitfalls and opening your eyes to possibility.
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The Positive Principle

10/01/2011

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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure - Marianne Williamson

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post about living with purpose in a destabilized economy and in uncertain times.  Yesterday the market tanked again, and wherever you turn the news is not good. 

In my own personal sphere, there have been ups and downs.  Yesterday the first of my team who got laid off in MN worked his last day at my company.  Although it was a sad day for me and for him, the amazing thing is that in this crazy time when people are fearful about keeping the jobs they have or fearful they are never going to find a job, he found a new job with a great opportunity for him with better pay.   Instead of taking the severance package, he went out on an aggressive search and found a job that sounds like it will be the next step up for his career.

Is he just lucky?  I don't think so....I remember a note he sent to me during his search where he wondered if he would be able to even find a job that would pay the same.  I sent him back a note that I had no doubt he would find one and that I would support him in whatever way I could.

Enter the positive principle.   

I used to believe that my biggest skill was contigency planning.  I would spin what-if scenarios in my head nonstop all day long.  If I lost my job, then I could do x, y and z.  If my car breaks down right now, I can.......Do any of you do this?   And, if bad things did happen, I was prepared and could jump into action.  Recently, after reading a book called Appreciative Coaching which talked about the positive principle - the idea that "positive attitudes actions and connections influence long-term change (Orem, Binkert & Clancy, 2007, p. 14), I started to question the amount of time I was thinking about obstacles instead of opportunities. This is also the book that taught me to ask the question I asked you for the past two weeks, what would you do if your biggest obstacle disappeared overnight.  

At first if was hard to let go of what I thought was a great survival skill I had learned a long time ago.  That skill, I argued with myself, had garnered respect for me in several work situations over the years.  Despite my resistance, I started "dabbling" in the positive principle.  Instead of focusing on what I would do in the face of unforseen obstacles, I started to think about what I wanted to happen.  To be clear I wasn't thinking about things.  I was thinking about what I wanted my life to be, or to mean. I started to think again about my calling:

"A calling is about working with meaning, joy and a sense of contributing to the greater community.  A calling means bringing spirit and livelihood back together again.  A calling calls forth the deeper questions of work, such as how, why, and for whom we do our work" (The Power of Purpose, p.93).

Some of you may be saying that you can't think about finding a job that gives you joy while you are just trying to keep your job.  What I am arguing is that if you start to focus on finding joy in your work instead of focusing on negative what ifs, you will keep your job, or even find a better one. 

Is this some mumbo jumbo new-agey crap?  All I can do is speak from experience.  Since I started asking myself these questions I have seen the most positive seismic shifts in my life in 20 years.  The thing I realized is that IF something bad happens, I already have the survival skills to take the steps necessary to survive, so I don't need to focus on what-if scenarios.  Instead, I can shift that energy to thinking of what could be, what I want my life to be. 

Even if you think all this is a little silly, or if you think that one of the biggest innovators in history, Henry Ford, said what he said above for giggles, what will you lose if you just try shifting that energy from negative thoughts and worries over the future, to positive thoughts about your present and what could be? 

What if this week, you just try to find ways to create moments of joy in the work you are doing, or even try bringing joy to someone else admist all this uncertainty.  

I'm not saying anything new, but try it out.  I think you will be surprised.  I know I have been.  Even in the worst and scariest times, thinking the worst never gets you anywhere, but thinking about the possible can mean finding doorways and opportunities that would have remained hidden in the darkness of your own thoughts.

As always, please comment or email at freeinsisyphus@allpointswhole.com. 

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Freeing Sisyphus- revisited

09/25/2011

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Last week I asked you guys what you would do if you woke up one morning and the boulder wasn't there.  Have you had any ideas?  I know I have.  I can see that question wrapping around every thought about the future, every decision about the present and how I'm making choices big and small.  For those of you who are new to my blog, or don't know who Sisyphus was I thought it would be a good idea and a good time to re-post the very first Freeing Sisyphus post to re-contextualize my message and the idea behind this blog.

Originally posted 7/7/11:

Most of you are probably asking who is Sisyphus and why should we care about freeing him?  Well for those of you who weren’t lit majors, or didn’t in any way have to delve too deeply into Greek mythology, Sisyphus was a crafty and devious king who involved himself in all sorts of mythological misdeeds.  He was known for his promotion of commerce and navigation and his deceit.  When the gods eventually got sick of his manipulation and trickery and overstepping his bounds – see he thought he was a god – they decided to punish him in the most maddening way:  Sisyphus was doomed to forever roll a very heavy boulder up a steep hill and just as he was about to reach the top, the boulder would roll down again.  And Sisyphus interminably would have to begin this arduous task anew…..Good times.


Why should we care about Sisyphus?  I mean he did all sorts of nasty things for selfish gain and to get ahead.  He even believed he was as good as the gods and could outsmart them.  He was one prideful jerk…..


 I think about Sisyphus a lot….especially as I’m sitting on 494 in Minneapolis during my morning commute, going 5 miles an hour (if I’m lucky).  Why am I making this drive again to the place where I work to use sheer force and will to accomplish exhausting tasks that supposedly drive our economic machine?  I know I primarily make that drive so I can get that paycheck to pay down those education loans I took because someone told me going to a top-rate school was worth signing my labor away for the rest of my life.  No excuses here - I signed those documents under no duress and signed up for the American dream that if you work hard enough you can reach middle class (at least), pay for stuff and have stuff, etc. etc. 


As much as a prideful little jerk Sisyphus was (and I was/am), I have to pity him, and I have decided to make it my mission to free him – or in other words – free ME.   Does that mean that I won’t be sitting in 494 tomorrow in rush-hour traffic?  Ummm, no.  Sallie Mae ain’t going nowhere unless by God’s grace an electronic pulse erased all of those loan records. 


Miracles can happen, but until then, I’m going to use this space to talk about the baby steps I’m going to take each day to free Sisyphus.  I mean first and foremost I think I have to start with his acceptance of his punishment.   He was a crafty fellow once – there must be a way out of this.  And, I believe it has to do with being whole….to living a purpose driven life while taking care of yourself physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally (yes, I think emotional health is different than mental health).


To give an answer to the question of my sister’s post yesterday about the definition of
insanity….well, I always like to go with Einstein on this one:  repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result.  So, although I will drag my sleepy self to the car to take that same drive again tomorrow, I wrote this post today, and by doing so I will have taken a step to pointing my compass to wholeness.  Small steps effect radical change, and through these blogs my sister and I hope to explore with you ways we can take those small steps to free Sisyphus and ourselves - to make ourselves whole,  to make a difference and to let go of whatever manacles are holding us back, driving us to climb that hill again and again for no discernable or fulfilling reason.    


Ready to rally the forces and launch a rescue mission?

 

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Living a Purpose-Driven Life in an Uncertain Economy

09/18/2011

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Lately I have been thinking much about the unhappiness and fear I see around me with folks I know who fear foreclosure, can't seem to find a job, or are doing jobs that they hate because they are too scared to seek new opportunities in such uncertain times.  Jobs - it's the word on everyone's lips.  Thank God you have a job, if I could just find a job,I hate my job, but I have to pay the bills etc., etc.

When I started my MBA program they made us read a book called the Power of Purpose by Richard Leider (http://www.amazon.com/Power-Purpose-Creating-Meaning-Your/dp/1576750213).  That book changed my life in that it made me really think hard about what I was doing with my life and why. 

As a child I had no doubt I was going to save the world and put Mother Theresa to shame.  I was certain my purpose was monumental and that clearly I was special, the chosen one.  As I got older and aligned myself with causes disenchantment arrived when I saw the innerworkings of politics and nonprofits (see Jo Goes to New York and Gets Worn out to hear that story).  

The Power of Purpose helped me reconcile how I could live a purpose filled life while paying off good ol' Sallie Mae (my tormentor).  I love to challenge people, inspire them to be better, inspire them to see the beauty in the world, inspire them to live purpose-driven lives.  After realizing I wasn't going to singlehandedly wipe out famine in Africa, I realized that my purpose was to infiltrate corporate America and try to make people feel good while cranking the wheel of the corporate grind.  So, in the face of absolute chaos in my industry I worked with my team to feel better about themselves to question their priorities and tried each day to help them find purpose in their work. 

Somewhere along the way I got lost (as per usual), and I worked way too hard and lost my own purpose.  I worked and worked and worked.  And then I rewarded myself with vacations, nice dinners, vacations for my family members (I've never been a "things" person).  Not too long ago, I noticed on my last vacation and the last nice dinner I had that it was tasteless, unfulfilling.  Everything started to taste like cardboard.  I had lost my purpose.

Then my sister and I started writing this blog and I could feel purpose again infiltrating me.  At the same time while taking a class on Coaching and Developing Others,  I read a book about the positivity principle.  In that book there was one critical question that kept me up at nights and changed my life.  Drumroll please......Think about the one thing that is holding you back (ummmm any of you who read this blog regularly probably know that answer - my education loans) and then imagine that you woke up the next day and that obstacle had disappeared in the middle of the night without you knowing it, how would your life look, what would be different, what different decisions would you make?

Whoa.  Try asking yourself that question.  The book urges you to start making decisions as if that obstacle wasn't there, to focus on the positive, to set out your goals for yourself and take steps each day to reach them.  It was actually unbelievable.  I started making different decisions every day so that I could again find purpose.  I changed the way I was directing my "disposable" income.  I invested in this blog.  And I started seeing possibilities where I had only seen closed doors.

So, what does this have to do with you and those out there who are scared of losing their jobs, of losing their homes, losing their things......their way of life.  I would urge you to stop being afraid and to ask yourself if the things you think you have to have are the things that are making you happy, and if you would rather live a purpose-driven life where you feel fulfilled instead of afraid.  

I feel a change coming for me, and I feel courage (most days) that even in the midst of uncertainty I have to live with purpose and so I will do what it takes while perhaps sacrificing those things I think I deserve for all of my hard work.  This country has survived a depression, wars and all sorts of struggles.  What would happen if this nation stopped being afraid and started making bold choices, capitalizing on their strengths, their creativity and stopped cowering in fear.  A workforce that is engaged and is fulfilled by what they do is a workforce that produces at exponential rates.  The Economist article pictured above points out a great irony - although there is a great lack of jobs out there, there is also a shortage of talented, skilled workers.  It's as if we stopped challenging ourselves, that we became comfortable with the grind, that we accepted the drudgery and let innovation be beaten out of us. 

Is there something you love to do, something you always wanted to do but never had the time, something that you think would give your life purpose?  If so, I urge you to set your obstacles aside and give it a try.  Who knows what can happen.

You may think I'm a little crazy, but ask yourself that question this week - if the one thing that you felt was holding you back disappeared overnight, what would your life look like.  What would you do differently?

If tomorrow you woke up and the boulder wasn't there - What would you do?

Thoughts, comments, please post or email me at freeingsisyphus@allpointswhole.com.



 



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Triumph!

09/17/2011

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Sooo....I bet you are expecting me to write about some half marathon I dominated, or some other Mount-Everest like event.  Alas, no.  But, I did have what I thought was one of the biggest triumphs this week.

Backstory (suspense is the backbone of every story):  As some of you know I have been criss-crossing the country for the past few weeks for work in what is a bit of a depressing time.  Not sure if I told you the whole story, but my team in the midwest has been laid off.  So, I'm supposed to be hiring a team in Philly while rolling off my team in MN.  Although their official last day isn't until February, people will choose to leave sooner if they find jobs.  And, one of my very good friends and rockstar team members told me last week his last day would be at the end of the month.  It was pretty devastating as we have been friends and worked together for a long time.  And, he's just an awesome person.  I'm hoping this winter he will be our guest columnist for the Daily Sweat because he loves to cross country ski.  Anyway, not such happy times as I love my team and we've been through a lot together, but such is the corporate world and the state of the economy these days (don't get me started :). 

So each day I'm out there is emotionallly challenging as we are of course all humans and whenever something like this happens there is anger, grief, etc.  I'm a bit of a sponge when it comes to other people's emotions, so staying strong is a little exhausting.  I'm able to do it at work, but usually I turn into a zombie the minute I hit the hotel room.

Last week was particularly hard as we had this incredibly tough project which meant staying late most nights.  In the past I would have used this as an excuse not to get up and work out the next morning.  Isn't that how we humans work (I worked so hard last night, I deserve to stay in bed a little longer, etc. etc.)?  One night in particular we stayed until midnight.  I had a year at my company where that was pretty much status quo (a year when I gained about 10 lbs by the way) as we were fighting to stave off bankruptcy.  Not much taking care of myself happened that year. 

So, I crawled into bed around 1:30am that night, setting my alarm for six doubting even as I set it that I would get up the next morning.  When the alarm rang, I did the usual trying to talk myself out of it, saying that I deserved to sleep, blah, blah, blah.  But then another voice kicked in. At the Healthy Living Summit, Dawn Blatner told us that she used a little psychology trick with new clients who didn't workout.  For 7 days, their homework was to put on their workout clothes and go to the place they would typically workout and then leave.  She made them promise they WOULDN'T work out.  She said every client by the 7th day was dying to work out.  I kind of used that mentality with myself. 

 I told myself - hey just put on your workout clothes, all you have to do is walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes, stretch your legs from sitting all day yesterday, no biggie.  So, I dragged myself out of bed, dressed and headed to the gym.  I started the slow walk and then the next thing you know I kicked that sucker up and did some speed drills.  After that I did a quick 20 minutes of lifting and core work.  Voila - a 40 minute workout that almost never was.  May not sound like a big deal to you, but it was one of the biggest triumphs I've felt in a while.  

It's easy to workout or eat well when everything goes according to plan or you have tons of support, but I believe that hardly ever happens for most of us.  All of us that find those few minutes a day to dedicate ourselves to our health deserve a HUGE pat on the back.

Any triumphs out there - big or small - from this week you'd like to share?  Please comment or email at freeingsisyphus@allpointswhole.com.  And for those of you out there struggling to start working out, try Dawn's trick (http://dawnjacksonblatner.com/).  It really does work.  

Take care Sisyphers.  I know putting your shoulders to the boulder gets overwhelming and exhausting.  I'm proud of all of you who triumph every day and continue to persevere to change your life for the better.
 
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A Tribute to my friend Cira and the City I Love

09/11/2011

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Ten years ago today I woke up earlier than usual.  My sister and her new husband had flown into NYC the night before, and I was uneasy and unable to sleep.  I had given them my loft bed, and I was sleeping on a futon (there were 5 of us in about a 600 sq foot apt on St. Marks Place).  The night before I had gotten into a silly fight with a friend, and typically I would have been getting ready for work., but I had decided to take the day off to show my sister and her husband around the city that I had just recently moved back to after 2 years in a doctoral program in Minnesota.  So I was restless and anxious.


I turned on the TV and was at first confused by what I was seeing.   It was as if my brain could not compute the images on the screen.  At that time everyone thought a small commuter plane had hit the tower.  Reporters sounded as confused as I felt.  And, then the second plane hit.  At that point no one could argue that this was an accident. I had worked in One World Financial for two years at Dow Jones and had taken the N train into the WTC every morning for years.  I had many friends that still worked there, and one of my good friends worked in the World Trade Center.  I went and tried to wake my sister up.  She couldn't understand what I was saying, but they came into the room to watch.


When the second tower fell, all the live reporters thought that they were seeing re-broadcasted images.  I can't remember much about those next couple of hours.  I kept hoping that because of the time most of my friends may not have been in the towers (all of their commutes took them there), but I knew my one friend Cira was at work.  She always got to work early.  I convinced myself that she would have evacuated and in my mind I kept trying to remember the exact floor she worked on.  I had only been to her new offices once at KB&W since she had left Dow Jones.  I kept thinking it was in the 40s even though later when I was thinking clearly I knew better.  


I called my roommate at work and while on the phone we heard about the Pentagon, and I told her to leave her office immediately and walk back to the apartment.  At this point we believed it was a full attack on the U.S.  We couldn't get calls in our out....so, as the coverage continued and no new reports were coming in about additional attacks,  we decided to leave the apartment and do what New Yorkers do best, go to a restaurant.  Weirdly enough the restaurant was packed although there were no cars on the streets.  Everything below 14th had been shut down.  When we left the restaurant, I saw the one image I will remember the most from that day.  There was a group of us standing outside the restaurant and we saw a lone bus slowly coming up the street, massive amounts of ash rolling off it into the air.  There were at least a dozen of us that stood there transfixed as the bus crawled up the empty street with no passengers.


My sister and brother-in-law were both doctors, so we went to the nearest hospital so they could volunteer.  They went to ask if help was needed, but as we walked up all we saw were scores of doctors and nurses standing there waiting for the wounded which never arrived.


It was days before I heard about my friend Cira.  I had sent her and many of my colleagues at Dow Jones emails.  Finally I heard her story.  She was in the second tower to be hit.  They had begun evacuating, but security came on the loudspeakers and  told everyone to stay put.  She was on the phone with her family when the second plane hit.  She was on an impact floor.  


Cira was one of those people that absolutely loved life.  She loved her family, she loved to have fun, she knew everybody, and she had been my guide to Wall Street.   I had taken a temp job at Dow Jones as I was finishing my Masters and had expected everyone to be holier than thou. When I first met her at Dow Jones, I didn't know what to think.   I was a quiet Southern girl, and she was so loud.  But, as I worked with her more, I saw her heart and how big it was.  Everyone that knew her couldn't help but love her.  We would go out together after work and hang with all the traders she knew by name.  Her loyalty to her old bosses and colleagues was always evident and when I was with her I barely remember having to pay for anything as someone was always buying our drinks.   She told me stories of her family and her fabulous Sunday sauce.  And, whenever I was with her, I couldn't help but smile.  She was always trying to make others happy.  I remember her trying to fix me up with a coworker without me knowing it and she helped arranged my going away party the first time I left New York.  We pulled a few capers together that I will never forget....she introduced me to the city I love.


After that day, the city I knew changed.  For almost six months after the towers fell, you could still smell burning.  I had to show my drivers license just to get into my neighborhood.  The subways were filled with soldiers with machine guns.  On any given day we would be evacuated from the subways to have to walk the many miles to work.  We were a city besieged.  I remember going home that year for Thanksgiving and feeling so out of place.  To my family, it was over.  To me I lived it every day.  The restaurants I loved were empty, fear was pervasive.....I stayed in New York for four more years.  It was not the city I had known before.  I recently went back and mentioned this to someone who lived there then and now.  They didn't quite know what I meant.  A couple of hours previously, the security team had come across the loudspeaker telling us we might need to evacuate because of a possible incident.  Everyone in the meeting room laughed (the same people who were confused by my statement) as this was something they had become used to.    This didn't happen with such normalcy before 9/11.


I still love my city, but it is different.  Every New Yorker knows where the exits of their buildings are, and they know the way they will get off the island of Manhattan if necessary.  


In a few minutes, they will read the name of my good friend Cira Marie Patti at the remembrance ceremony.  I know Cira, wherever you are, you are feeding thousands with your Sunday sauce and laughing as hard as you can.


To all of you that have lost someone, to Cira and her family, to my friends who ran for their lives that day and to the city I love -God bless you for your courage and endurance.
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